Thursday, March 11, 2010

Makes me think...

As I am sitting here on the couch writing this post, I am balling like a baby. I have recently found a new favorite show, The Locator. On this show the host Troy Dunn receives videos & letters from people asking him to find lost family members. I have seen episodes where mothers look for daughters, daughters look for fathers, etc. I apologize for regressing but I have to give you a little history for the whole thing to make sense...

Growing up my family lived in a really small town. I grew up with my mom & dad, an older brother, & a little sister. When I was about 16 years old my parents began having marriage issues. My brother was a difficult child and I think it strained the relationship a lot. My parents went to counseling & worked through a lot of their issues & were doing great. They bought a motorcycle together as a way for them to bond & spend fun quality time together. When I was 18 I graduated high school & moved out of my parents house & in with Clay.

About 1 year later when I was 19 I received a concerning phone call from my mother. She told me that my father had taken a motorcycle ride on Friday night after work & hasn't returned home (This was Sunday). I immediately went home to be with my mother & little sister. EVERYONE was at my mother's house & we were calling all over trying to find him. I was completely distraught because I had been a total daddy's girl. Clay & I called every hospital, jail, friend, family member we could think of. Monday afternoon he finally called my mother & said he needed to talk. When he came over Monday night he told my mother he had been seeing someone for 6 months behind my mother's back. I was crushed!!! My world was rocked.

In the months following my mom had a really hard time with my dad. He would say he was coming to pick up my sister & then never show, give her money one day & take it away the next, call my mom some awful names... Needless to say he & I haven't talked much since then. I got married & didn't invite my father. He no longer has any relationship with my little sister (13 years old).

In watching this show it makes me think about my dad who I haven't seen or spoke to in about 4 years. I love to think about all the really great times I had being daddy's little girl. I loved it when he would run errands & ask me to ride along with him & every year we would go to the beach & he would carry me on his back into the really deep water. And then I think about that awful day when he broke my heart.

It really makes me wonder if I will ever long to have a relationship with my father again. As of right now I am still very hurt & MAD at him for what he has done. It really makes me think about what the future may hold...


  1. Hi Alicia,
    This is Troy Dunn, aka 'The Locator'. Thanks for the kind words about my show. I hope the 'cry' you experience when you watch my show is helping in some healing for you. I relize it is awakening something inside you that hursts so much, you have locked it away, but that awakening is an opportunity to really think thru how you feel and what you want to do next.
    You need to decide what you want and what you are willing to settle for. You may 'want' a full, fulfilling relationship with your father. But maybe you will 'settle' for him being an occasional character in your life that does what he is capable of doing. Some people simply aren't very good parents. But they try, or at least they want a chance to try. Maybe thats him?
    Some people are simply so eaten up with shame, they crawl in a hole and have to be coaxed out of it. He may need to be told by you that you ant him to re-engage in your life and do his best. He can't fix the STUPID, SELFISH things he did to you and your family years ago. But you are empowered to audition him for a role as dad in your future. You are also empowered to lock him out forever.
    You are in control.
    Do whatever you FEEL will bring you peace when you are old and your father is long gone.
    God bless you and your family,
    "The Locator"

  2. Mr Dunn,

    Thank you so much for taking some time to read my blog. I am impressed by your insightful comment. Thank you so much for your advice. I haven't yet decided what I will do about my relationship with my father but I really appreciate your insight. I am also increadibly flattered that you, the host of MY FAVORITE show would leave me a comment. I am slightly starstruck. Thank you again!