19 kids??? Can I have 1 maybe 2?

I am watching 19 kids and counting...Why you ask? I HAVE NO FREAKIN CLUE!! Probably one of the absolute worst shows for an infertile to watch! It is a little depressing that one person can have 19 children. I am struggling to have 1 maybe 2. The Duggars say they will have as many children as the lord will allow. With that being the case, the lord doesn't allow all to be mommies and to be honest I am absolutely depressed by it. I am not necessarily religious, but I do believe in God. I can't imagine why God wouldn't want my husband and I to have children?!? We are good honest people who believe in the Lord. We don't pray all the time or go to church, but we believe in God.

It is just so hard to believe one person can be completely blessed while so many others are not...

RANDOM

So I lost my tweezers... This upsets me because I am Italian & tweeze everything! I have a few little hairs that are really bugging me. I went to Walmart & forgot to buy my tweezers GRRRRRR!!!

As you all know, I am going to college to become a nurse & have no clue where I want to work. Today I got to visit Christiana Hospital's emergency department. LOVED IT <3!!! I had previously thought I may want to work on maternity because I loved my clinical experience. Now I am thinking about emergency room nursing. SOOOOOO I pretty much have no clue haha.

My hubby is amazing! After our IVF cycle went down the tubes my hubby took my pharmacy of meds from the counter & stashed them away, so that I wouldn't be reminded every minute of the day. The only problem was all the refrigerated meds I have. So I went to put away some graceries today & noticied my other pharmacy was missing... My loving husband stashed those in a brown paper bag in the bag bottom of the refrigerator. What a wonderful man?!?! I love my husband!

My very first ICLW =)

Welcome all ICLWers! This is my very first & I am praying it goes well. The goal is to leave at least 5 comments and return one comment daily, until the February 28th.


So here's a little about me; I am 22 and married to the love of my life! My hubby had cancer (Retinoblastoma) in both eyes as a baby. It was a very hard thing for his parents, as he had several surgeries & chemo. When we decided we wanted to start a family we visited a few genetic counselers who told us it was a 50% chance our children could have retinoblastoma. We decided to start IVF with PGD (Preimplantation Genetic Diagnosis). We recently had our first IVF cycle.

I hope that you read my blog & enjoy!

Busy-ness

I have been keeping myself extra busy with school, work, & family, in an effort to forget my disappointment. Well I guess it's time to suck it up & put on my big girl panties...

Tomorrow morning I am going to call the dr. & set up my appointment to re-cap my failed cycle. I am absolutely dreading this appointment because I still get emotional just thinking about it. Everyone keeps saying April will probably be better & less stressful to start my new cycle. I don't necessarily agree. My due date would have been the end of October...I wouldn't have to worry about delivering in a snow storm, doing my cycle during graduation...

I am still pretty bitter (in case you couldn't tell) Uhhh...praying for strength tomorrow.

15, 16, & 17s

Yet another appointment filled with bloodwork & an ultrasound. I had my NOT-FAVORITE lab girl=more bruises. I did get my favorite u/s girl. She said my endometrial lining looks good and thick, & lefty has 16 follies, righty has 15 follies, My follicles are 14, 15, & 16s. I really don't know what this means but she said at last appointment they were 12, 13, & 14s. I did read on google that around 17-23 is trigger time =) Also, my ovaries are now touching. I have so many huge follies that my ovaries are now touching. One of my follicles on lefty is the size that my ovary should be.
I have been extremely positive throughout the whole experience but if I may bitch for a moment... I am starting to have urinary urgency. All of the sudden I have to go & go BAD, then when I hit the toilet I tinkle just a little bit. I have also been having slight pain in the ovary area. Lastly, I am having nausea & fullness. This am I was STARVING so I stopped at Dunkin Donuts for a coffee & a donut. I could barely eat half of my donut & don't even think about the coffee. My u/s girl said to drink gatorade instead of water because it decreases that full feeling, but you still get all of your electrolytes. Thanks for the bitch session all!

Stimulation ;-)

I am moving right along with my STIMS! I had an u/s & bloodwork Saturday morning. The tech said my follicles are growing & they look "lovely." My estrogen level is rising appropriately. I have been continuing on with my am Lupron & pm stims. I have another appointment tomorrow morning to see how I am progressing. This may sound stupid but I SWEAR I can feel my ovaries growing. It sort of feels like a gas bubble low in my belly that just won't go away. I told the u/s tech & she said that what I am feeling probably is my ovaries because they are currently double the size they normally would be. How crazy to feel things growing inside your body! I can't wait until I am feeling a little person growing inside my belly =) As the days pass my excitement grows & grows. I just can't wait!!!

Shootin up

I had a very new experience this afternoon. As I said in my previous blog I am timing my new injections for 6 PM because they have to be night injections & that will work well with my work schedule (nights 7pm-7am). The only downfall is my clincial nights from 1-7 or 3-9. So tonight I had the very new experience of shootin up in a car. I was outside of my clinical facility (a mental hospital) & we got out early WOOHOO!! So I had to do my injeciton in the car, which was a little more difficult than I thought, but not impossible! It took me longer than when I have a counter to do prep & mixing but the physical injection was a little easier. I think because I was sitting & the fat roll popped quite nicely. I am anticipating my Saturday appointment to see what's going on inside me. I haven't felt a difference yet except for about 2 hours of nausea this evening that subsided on it's own. I am hoping for minimal symptons but I know that is more (*wishful thinking*) I am still super excited & very ready for BABY! I try to remain goal oriented & focused that the end product is worth it ALL!!

Dealing with Feeling; Short term pain...long term gain

Ok so I have been extremely emotional & moody lately trying to work out all of my feelings. Thursday night I called up my "COACH" for a little moral support. I was able to talk to her about all the resentment & jealousy I have felt lately. She told me something I so desperately needed to hear; "Short term pain for a LONG term gain" I am starting to say this over & over in my head to help remind me of my final goal...To have a precious HEALTHY baby, so that my hubby & I can share a wonderful baby bond that we so desperately want. We also talked about how men feel so much differently than woman. I was starting to feel like my emotions were silly & unnecesary because Clay didn't feel any where near the same as I did. I think that every woman undergoing IVf (for whatever reason) should have a good coach to help you with the highs & MANY MANY lows of treatment...
I just want to thank my WONDERFUL amazing "COACH" Danielle & I am seeking all the emotional support & advice possible. If you happen to read this please leave any and all advice =) Thanks!

Snow & Christmas

We had our first big snow for this year on Sat. I enjoyedit as I didn't have to work or go to school! It was so funny watching my little mini daschaund run in the snow that was taller than her. We had to clear a little spot for her to do her business lol.

Christmas is fast approaching. I am completely finished, wrapped & all EXCEPT for my in-laws. My hubby & I are having a TERRIBLE time trying to find something to get for them. I have been spending a lot of time with my friend Michelle who is 37 weeks pregnant. We ventured out to Babies 'R Us yesterday to get some final baby items. I am just in awe of all the cool stuff they come out with. I can't wait until it's my turn & she can help me prepare for my little one.

This year will hopefully be the last one that it it just me & the hubs... I think it's super exciting. We had the challenging discussion yesterday of how many embryos we should implant. The Dr. said we can implant either 1 or 2. I feel like implanting 2 would give me a better sense of security knowing that if one doesn't take there is another one floating around. Clay is a little concerned about implanting 2 because the risk increases. Any comments?

ALMOST THERE =)

So I got a call this week from our IVF nurse. She said all our lab work was done & now we just needed to set up a date for our fisrt (& hopefully ONLY) IVF cycle! I am super excited now I am just waiting for my stupid period, which was supposed to come 12/08/09...still waiting. Hopefully we can set up our cycle for the beginning of January! Everyone keep your fingers crossed

Where to start...

Hello everyone! As you have read my hubby & I are starting the IVF cycle, let me tell you about all that has led up to this... Clay & I got married 06/07/08, the happiest day of my life! Clay was diagnosed with bilateral Retinoblastoma around 8 months old. As a result, he has had 1 eye enucleated & went through radiation to the existing eye. Shortly after we got married we visited with a genetic counselor to find out if we could have children naturally that are unaffected by retinoblastoma. Unfortunately that was a no! The counselor told us it was a 50% chance that our child would have retinoblastoma. We discussed all of our options & decided that we would undergo In Vitro Fertilization with preimplantation genetic diagnosis. What this means is, we will go through an In Vitro cycle & once our eggs have been fertilized, a piece of DNA will be extracted. This DNA will be tested for the genetic mutation for retinoblastoma. The unaffected embryos are then available for implantation. So far we have had several rounds of bloodwork. We found out that Clay has a deletion on his 13th chromosome from18-23. Which means, part of his DNA sequencing is missing causing his retinoblastoma. Also, I have had bloodwork to check my estrogen, progesterone, & FSH levels (all normal). I have also had an ultrasound to see how many follicles (where the egg comes from) I have & it's 15 in the left & right ovary (That's GOOD!). I also had a hysterosalpingogram (HSG) showing that my fallopian tubes are functioning properly. The next step is a siemenalysis for Clay on Friday. So wish us luck!!