19 kids??? Can I have 1 maybe 2?

I am watching 19 kids and counting...Why you ask? I HAVE NO FREAKIN CLUE!! Probably one of the absolute worst shows for an infertile to watch! It is a little depressing that one person can have 19 children. I am struggling to have 1 maybe 2. The Duggars say they will have as many children as the lord will allow. With that being the case, the lord doesn't allow all to be mommies and to be honest I am absolutely depressed by it. I am not necessarily religious, but I do believe in God. I can't imagine why God wouldn't want my husband and I to have children?!? We are good honest people who believe in the Lord. We don't pray all the time or go to church, but we believe in God.

It is just so hard to believe one person can be completely blessed while so many others are not...

RANDOM

So I lost my tweezers... This upsets me because I am Italian & tweeze everything! I have a few little hairs that are really bugging me. I went to Walmart & forgot to buy my tweezers GRRRRRR!!!

As you all know, I am going to college to become a nurse & have no clue where I want to work. Today I got to visit Christiana Hospital's emergency department. LOVED IT <3!!! I had previously thought I may want to work on maternity because I loved my clinical experience. Now I am thinking about emergency room nursing. SOOOOOO I pretty much have no clue haha.

My hubby is amazing! After our IVF cycle went down the tubes my hubby took my pharmacy of meds from the counter & stashed them away, so that I wouldn't be reminded every minute of the day. The only problem was all the refrigerated meds I have. So I went to put away some graceries today & noticied my other pharmacy was missing... My loving husband stashed those in a brown paper bag in the bag bottom of the refrigerator. What a wonderful man?!?! I love my husband!

My very first ICLW =)

Welcome all ICLWers! This is my very first & I am praying it goes well. The goal is to leave at least 5 comments and return one comment daily, until the February 28th.


So here's a little about me; I am 22 and married to the love of my life! My hubby had cancer (Retinoblastoma) in both eyes as a baby. It was a very hard thing for his parents, as he had several surgeries & chemo. When we decided we wanted to start a family we visited a few genetic counselers who told us it was a 50% chance our children could have retinoblastoma. We decided to start IVF with PGD (Preimplantation Genetic Diagnosis). We recently had our first IVF cycle.

I hope that you read my blog & enjoy!

Busy-ness

I have been keeping myself extra busy with school, work, & family, in an effort to forget my disappointment. Well I guess it's time to suck it up & put on my big girl panties...

Tomorrow morning I am going to call the dr. & set up my appointment to re-cap my failed cycle. I am absolutely dreading this appointment because I still get emotional just thinking about it. Everyone keeps saying April will probably be better & less stressful to start my new cycle. I don't necessarily agree. My due date would have been the end of October...I wouldn't have to worry about delivering in a snow storm, doing my cycle during graduation...

I am still pretty bitter (in case you couldn't tell) Uhhh...praying for strength tomorrow.

Insensitive

This morning my friend called & said she was in excrutiating pain & couldn't move & couldn't hold her baby. I went over & took her 3 year old to daycare. Then I came back, changed, fed, & rocked her baby to sleep. BTW. She has a kink in her neck...

She is the one friend who knows EVERYTHING about what has been going on. I was in the car with her when my Dr. called to cancel my cycle. I like being a good friend, but I also think it's a little insensitive for her to push her baby on me.

Maybe this is me being overly sensitive but I have told her that it is really hard for me to deal with babies & pregnancy right now. I wish my friend would be a little more sensitive to my situation.

Freak Out

So yesterday & I had a bit of a breakdown. Emotions are so hard to deal with when you have nothing else to do. What I mean is I have been stuck in my house on account of another huge snowstorm. Of course I could study, or read, or craft...but no I choose to deal with my feelings. I had about an hour long cryfest on the couch last nights because i just couldn't hold it in any longer. I am still pretty disappointed that out of everything I got 2 good embryo & 1 ok embryo.

Me & the hubby had a great talk & we are really working through this together. I see it more of a loss (time, money, emotions) where as he feels, "it's not the end of the world" we have plenty of time to do it again. It has been really hard but we are trying.

Dr. called this morning to tell me they froze all 3 embryo even though 1 is not so promising & he can't wait to see us again to discuss everything. *Sigh* Please pray for us!

Short term pain...LONG term gain!

Some quotes to help get over my disappointment;


“We must accept finite disappointment, but never lose infinite hope.” Martin Luther King Jr.

“The size of your success is measured by the strength of your desire; the size of your dream; and how you handle disappointment along the way." Robert Kiyosaki

“Ones best success comes after their greatest disappointments.” Henry Ward Beecher

"You may be disappointed if you fail, but you are doomed if you don't try." Beverly Sills

"Anytime you suffer a setback or disappointment, put your head down and plow ahead." Les Brown


Trees in my back yard

My path to the house, made by me trudging though knee high snow

More updates & the bad news continues

Re called me this mornign while I was in the walmart parking lot gearing up for tonights snow storm. He told me that Embie #1 is growing appropriately & is at the 8 cell stage, Embie #2 is at the 7 cell stage (a little behind), Embie #3 is stuck at 4 cells & not growing.

The Dr. said he doesn't feel comfortable continuing on at this point because our embies still need to be tested for RB. With only 1 growing at an appropriate rate he doesn't think it's finincially sound to do the genetic testing.

His plan; stop all my current meds, freeze the 2 embies that are still growing, start again in April.

Me, I am a big fucking wreck! We had to beg & borrow just to pay for this cycle ($11,000) Meds ($2,700) & genetic testing ($6,000). I don't know if we will be bale to pay for another cycle in April. I don;t want to be so far in the hole that we can;t afford to spoil our little one rotten. Emotionally, I feel so let down & disappointed. Throughout this cycle everyone I encountered has been extremely optimistic about my cycle resulting in a healthy pregnancy. I am at my lowest bottom. Please send prayers & thoughts mine & hubbys way.

And then there were 3...

Just got a call from the RE. We are still sitting pretty with 3 little embies growing appropriately. They will take a trip to Chicago Wed. for genetic testing & hopefully all 3 are healthy non RB embies!! I am trying to get my positive back but I am still extremely worried about how they will do & if any will be ready for tranfer. Please keep fingers crossed & send prayers out to me & my hubby & embies =)

Circling the drain...

We are finally home. I got a call from the RE's office saying that only 5 of my 8 eggs were mature. Out of the 5 only 3 are at the 2 cell stage. My positivity is cirling the drain. I had 31 follicles when I visited the RE last, so I think I was expecting at least half to be mature... We still have 1 more step prior to transfer, PGD. We need to test the embies for RB. I am becoming anxious, nervous, & upset all over again. I am hoping all 3 eggs continue to grow & are all RB free... Please pray for me, because I am having a really difficult time with where we are right now.

Retrieval Day =)

The day has come... retrieving my future babies. Last night I was very nervous and had a terribly upset stomach. I was on the toilet, off the toilet, hanging out in the bathroom just in case I needed the toilet. I finally woke up my hubby & began to relax. I finally fell asleep around 11 or 12. We woke up this morning around 5 am and got ready to leave our hotel. We decided to drive over to the fertility center because it's about 3 blocks away & I wanted to ride home in case I was feeling yucky post retrieval. After we left the hotel parking lot we got stuck for about 10 minutes (I was completely stressed & thought this was an omen). We got to the office right around 6 am. Me & 3 other couples were taken back into the "pre-retrieval/recovery" area. The nurses got me all set up for the anesthesiologist & the wait was on. Around 7:30 the anesthesiologist came in & started my IV (he used an awesome numbing med so I didn't even feel it YES!) The dr. came in to explain the procedure & have me & hubs sign some forms. Then anesthesiologist came back & it was on...I walked to the OR, sat down on the bed, I saw anesthesiologist put some kind of drug in my IV. I remember a nurse asking my social & telling me I got it right, after that... Next thing I remember waking up in recovery & the nurse telling me in 5 minutes she would be back to take me on a walk & then I could be discharged. I was discharged after my little walk & came back to my hotel room & slept for a couple of hours.


I am still in the hotel because the roads are nasty. One more night to relax here with my babe =) I am feeling GREAT! A little sleepy & very little cramping. Retrieval was cake. We got 8 eggs & tomorrow will find out how many fertilized.

New Developments

Well....I didn't make my u/s & bw appointment for this morning because...I triggered last night =) My nurse called yesterday afternoon to tell me I have several mature follicles & my estrogen level dropped so we needed to trigger & then set up the retrieval for Saturday morning. I kind of freaked & had a small panic attack. I didn't eve have a chance to read over teh paperwork about triggering & retieval yet because of my clinicals & class yesterday. So I took an extra large dose of Menopur & Gonal-F. Then the trigger shot, I had my loving hubby do my trigger shot last night. I am a bit of a needle phobe so I was freaking out about him doing this. BUT he did a FABOLOUS job. By the time he was finished I was saying, "Is it in babe? Did you do it?" He showed me the empty syringe with a big smile & said, "Yup!" It was fine I didn't feel it at all. About 10 minutes later I deffinitely felt it in the backside. We are now sitting in a lovely hotel because mother nature is a bitch. We are expecting anywhere from 12-24 inches of snow starting this afternoon so we decided to make the trip today & spend the night so we don't have to worry with traveling. So tomorrow morning have to sign in at 6am at the office & we are scheduled for retrieval at 8 am. Wish me luck!!!

15, 16, & 17s

Yet another appointment filled with bloodwork & an ultrasound. I had my NOT-FAVORITE lab girl=more bruises. I did get my favorite u/s girl. She said my endometrial lining looks good and thick, & lefty has 16 follies, righty has 15 follies, My follicles are 14, 15, & 16s. I really don't know what this means but she said at last appointment they were 12, 13, & 14s. I did read on google that around 17-23 is trigger time =) Also, my ovaries are now touching. I have so many huge follies that my ovaries are now touching. One of my follicles on lefty is the size that my ovary should be.
I have been extremely positive throughout the whole experience but if I may bitch for a moment... I am starting to have urinary urgency. All of the sudden I have to go & go BAD, then when I hit the toilet I tinkle just a little bit. I have also been having slight pain in the ovary area. Lastly, I am having nausea & fullness. This am I was STARVING so I stopped at Dunkin Donuts for a coffee & a donut. I could barely eat half of my donut & don't even think about the coffee. My u/s girl said to drink gatorade instead of water because it decreases that full feeling, but you still get all of your electrolytes. Thanks for the bitch session all!

Appointments

Another appointment this morning for bloodwork & an ultrasound. My follicles still look nice, growing appropriately. They actually looked HUGE on the monitor screen. I have to go back for an appointment Wed. & then every day after that until Sunday. You know when you go somewhere so frequently you start to make favorites & enemies...I have a favorite u/s girl. She is nice but not overly talkative (something weird about having a full discussion with a probe in you vag) She also is pretty gentle & honest! Now my nemesis..bw girl. There is one girl who draws my blood & ALWAYS leaves me with a horrendouse bruise that is sore for days. Example, the lovely bruise on my left elbow crack from bw done on Sat. I have a favorite bw girl who leaves me with only a small red dot after bw. I think that is a sign you got to the office too much.
Hopefully my retrieval is this Sunday! Busy life until then, Clinicals tonight (yes I have to shoot up outside the mental hospital again tonight ;-)) Studying & catch up on reading tommorrow plus seeing my baby goddaughter, Class & clinicals Thursday, work Fri. & Sat. night. Makes me tired just thinking about it =)