Natural Childbirth?

To all my baby mommas who went au-natural...




I need help! Natural childbirth is my goal & my OB suggested starting yoga or meditation. Anyone have any suggestions on good books, dvds, websites, etc to help me? Typically I'm a weenie, but I really really want to do this naturally. I will take any and all suggestions.

18 Week Update

How Far Along: 18 weeks & 4 days

Weight: I don't know, we will find out Monday at our ultrasound.

Maternity Clothes: I have been wearing some maternity shirts because my belly is very high up & I can still fit in my regular jeans =)

Stretch Marks: Same old stretch marks I've had since I was a teenager (damn genetics)

Sleep: Sleeping has become harder & harder lately. I have started sleeping with more & more pillows to increase my comfort.

Best Moment of the Week: DH being able to feel the baby moving around

Movement: YES! I feel the baby move sporadically. I can go for days without feeling it move but when I do it's so relieving.

Food Cravings: Plain bagel with cream cheese

Gender: We should know in less than 1 week & I can't wait!

What I Miss: Regular Pepsi & Motrin, these hormone headaches are brutal.

How's Daddy: He's doing fantastic. I was craving cereal for dinner so he went out & bought me some milk

Emotions: I am so anxious for our big gender reveal ultrasound! I can't wait to see our little jelly bean's heartbeat & hopefully whether it's a boy or a girl.

15 weeks

How Far Along: 15 weeks & 4 days

Weight: -1 pound as of my Dr. appointment yesterday

Maternity Clothes: I have been wearing some maternity shirts because my belly is very high up & I can still fit in my regular jeans =)

Stretch Marks: Same old stretch marks I've had since I was a teenager (damn genetics)

Sleep: I have been falling asleep faster than I ever have before but when I wake up to pee in the morning I have trouble falling back to sleep. This morning I woke up at 7 on my day off, couldn't go back to sleep so I went grocery shopping

Best Moment of the Week: Hearing my little jelly beans heart beating away at my doctor's appointment

Movement: I can't tell if I'm feeling the baby move or not, I have no clue what movement is supposed to feel like. My doctor said I should be feeling movement soon because my baby is active & I am small

Food Cravings: Plain bagel with cream cheese

Gender: We should know in 4 weeks & I can't wait to start buying all the fun gender specific stuff!

What I Miss: Regular Pepsi & Motrin, these hormone headaches are brutal.

How's Daddy: He is still very excited & helps me around the house.

Emotions: Right now I am feeling great! I am so excited & looking forward to our next ultrasound. I can't wait to feel my little one wiggling around inside me.

13 Weeks

13 weeks...I can hardly believe that I am able to say this. That I could possibly be pregnant. But I am here & loving it. I will take all the symptoms in the world because one look at the sweet little one growing inside me makes it totally worthwhile. So I figure why not start with the pregnancy updates & keep everyone tuned in, so here goes nothing:


How far along: 13 weeks & 4 days (to be exact)

Weight: So far I haven't gained anything. I lost 5 pounds early on due to extreme nausea. So I have put the 5 pounds lost back on but I don't count that as true weight gain, I just started eating again.

Maternity clothes: No not really. I am starting to look like I devoured a dozen donuts on my own so I have bought some maternity clothes but haven't wore them yet. I have been wearing a belly band because I feel like it helps me feel comfortable.

Stretch Marks: I have had them since I went through puberty. i anticipate that they will get worse but I haven't noticed a change yet.

Sleep: Generally I sleep well with frequent bathroom breaks. Last night & the previous night I have gone to bed with a horrible pounding headache so I didn't sleep very well. Unfortunately the headache is still here this morning GRRR This darn Tylenol isn't touching it.

Best Moment of the Week: Getting a call from the Dr. office saying the chances of Down's & Trisomy 18 are very slim. I am praying for a happy healthy little baby.

Movement: Nope not for a while I assume.

Food Cravings: This week I have been craving for anything potatoes. Augratin, french fries, wedges, mashed... You name it I'm eating it. I am hoping this craving goes away fast or I'll be packing on the pounds.

Gender: Our scan is scheduled Dec. 6th, so 41 days from now we should know. It sounds crazy but I have a feeling it's a girl.

What I Miss: Sushi & Diet Pepsi

Milestone: I am planning on telling my boss & my family this week. To me, it just doesn't feel real because no one knows yet. I can't wait to be able to talk openly above a whisper to everyone I know about my wonderful gift.

How's Daddy: He is so excited. He has started to rub my tummy & even confided in a work friend that I am pregnant.

Emotions: The are ever changing & range from crying to happy to pissed in a matter of minutes. I am excited & scared to tell everyone. I want the world to know this beautiful thing I am going through but again I am scared telling will be a jinx. I really hope I don't announce to the world & then something bad happens.

11 weeks & very busy

I have been THE WORST blogger ever! My life has been super crazy lately. I got a new full time job working at a hospital. This week was my orientation & my first day on the floor with a preceptor. I also had to work my second job yesterday & today I am tired! I got to stop suppositories & estrogen pills this week. YAY no more panty liners & no more leaking all day long. Monday is my first real OB appointment. I am really curious what a normal OB appointment will consist of. I know I have to pee in a cup but other than that I am slightly clueless. Friday I see a maternal-fetal medicine specialist for a 4-D ultrasound of my little bean. I have no clue what they are checking for with this but I will be sure to ask a million and one questions. What an exciting & busy week ahead.

*Update* Actually had to reschedule my Ultrasound to next Wed. because my husband can't make it Friday. But I found out jelly bean is the size of a lime today YAY!

9 weeks

I am officially 9 weeks 1 day pregnant. This week was the most perfect week I have had in a long time. Monday I received a call from the only hospital willing to interview me as a new nurse saying I got the job. I was frantic and forgot to ask whether the position was for day shift, night shift, evening shift or if they work 8 or 12 hour shifts. Tuesday was a relaxing day spent at home in the pjs. Wednesday DH & I went to visit the RE. It was an amazing appointment. First of all it was with MY doctor, secondly it was with my FAV ultrasound tech. We got to see how much our little jelly bean has grown.

It now has a very big head, little arms that flex and rest on top of it's chest, a nice round belly, and cute little legs that flex. Our baby's heart was pumping away at 179 beats per minute. After the ultrasound tech got all our measurements my doctor said, "Let's see if we can see it wiggle." I was thinking yeah right, in all the books I read it never said you would be able to see bean move at all. Then my doctor asked me to cough deeply three times. Immediately after the third cough my little one wiggled all over the place. It's little arms wiggled, waving hi to mommy & daddy. It's little head was wiggling too. I was on cloud 9! Could a day like this get any better? YES! After seeing our ultrasound the doctor said we GRADUATED! The news was almost bitter sweet. I was sad to be saying goodbye to such an amazing medical staff, but excited to be moving on in my pregnancy. We scheduled our first appointment with the regular OB for Oct. 11. The RE also wants me to see a maternal-fetal medicine specialist to get a 4-D ultrasound around 11-14 weeks. DH & I spent the rest of the afternoon together shopping and relaxing! How could the rest of my week not be perfect when it started off the way it did?!

Let the worrying begin

Today makes me 7 weeks 4 days. I have had terrible ALL day nausea with no vomitting. But I am still very excited that there is a little jelly bean inside me. I went and visited my IVF "coach" Danielle yesterday. She had a successful IVF & now has 2 very handsome 5 week old boys. I really enjoyed talking to a veteran about all the feelings I'm having. It was also great getting lots of advice! I am trying my hardest not to stress but I am a worrier by nature. I worry with every little twinge/cramp I feel. Not only do I have the IF type worries (will this baby make it, how many days until my next ultrasound, etc..) I am also having the normal parenting worries (is it safe to have this, is that safe for me to do,...) Like I said I TRY not to worry but it's near impossible. Our next aapt. is in 8 days & counting.

First pregnant ultrasound

Today was my first ultrasound. DH was able to take the whole day off from work and we were really excited! I was pretty nervous because I am very aware how early I am & how many terrible things could happen. We arrived at the RE just in time & were quickly called back to the ultrasound room. Our anticipation was GROWING...and growing...and growing, as we sat there for 30 minutes waiting. FINALLY the Dr. & Ultrasound tech came in (YES!) We transferred 2 really healthy looking embies & I was ready to see if they both decided to stick around. At first, the ultrasound tech had difficulty viewing anything because of the stupid suppository. She started again fresh & instantly we saw our little Jelly Bean. It has a really big head (like daddy), little arm stumps, and an amazing flickering little heart. We weren't able to hear the heart beat but the Dr. told us it was 117 and looked "fabulous". My husband & I are absolutely ecstatic to see our little bean on the big screen. However a little part of me is sad for the other little guy that didn't stick around.

Our next ultrasound appointment is in 2 weeks & I CAN'T WAIT!!!

5wks

According to the internet & based on my ER I am 5weeks & 6days PREGNANT. The nausea has struck me hard the past couple days. I would say "morning sickness" but that implies that it leaves in the afternoon. I also have super nose & can smell anything good, bad, & really bad from a mile away. I am still weighing in around my pre-IVF weight =) YAY!!! I am ecstatic to have my ultrasound next week. I am hoping & praying I can hear my little bean(s) heartbeat. Hopefully I will post pictures Tuesday for everyone to see.

Beta results are in...

My Hcg today was 1,069. My sweet nurse D called & practically squealed CONGRATULATIONS into my ear. She was very excited with my "solid" Hcg number. After I got off the phone with my nurse my Dr. called. He was even more excited & said that he feels very good about this.

I immediately called DH @ work & no answer. AHHHH I am so excited, no answer, I NEED to tell him. I call 3 more times & then called his work cell (reserved for very important calls) NO ANSWER! I am dying over here, can't wait to tell him. FINALLY he calls back & I tell him the good news. He was ecstatic but at work so had to maintain his composure. He said he will jump around & scream with me when he gets home.

Next step is another Hcg Thursday & if that looks good an ultrasound next week. AND I get to cut back the yucky suppositories to twice a day instead of three times.

Waiting is the name of the game

I feel like with IVF all we do is WAIT. First you wait for AF so you can start BCPs, then wait to start stims, then wait to see when you'll have your ER, wait to see how you embies are growing, wait for transfer day, wait to see if you are pregnant...wait wait wait! All this waiting is driving me crazy.

Waiting for my beta results & hoping I can keep it together until then.

Beta Tomorrow

My first Beta HCG is tomorrow at 7 a.m. I am such a mix of emotions. I have POAS 5dpt, 7dpt, 9dpt, 11dpt, & 12dpt and all came back BFP. I have a genuine feeling that I am pregnant, which makes me sound like one of those women who acts pregnant & pokes their belly out from day 1. I can't really explain why I think it will be positive but just small twinges, feeling exhausted, light cramping...

On the other hand I am feeling extremely nervous. What if all those HPTs were just flukes? What is I get the call from my nurse tomorrow & it's a BFN? I will be completely devastated!

So the nerves kick in until tomorrow's call from the nurse...

2WW bites the big one!

Okay guys I have been a VERY bad blogger lately but things happened so quickly that by the time I had one post in my head something new had happened. Since I last posted LOTS has happened. So I had my egg retrieval on Friday August 6. The Dr. was able to retrieve 20 eggs!! Out of the 20 eggs, 14 were mature & 9 fertilized. We had 3 embryo frozen from our previous cycle but only 1 made it past thawing. So we had 10 embryo ready for PGD. On day 3 one cell from each embryo was sent away for genetic testing. Out of the 10 embryo, 5 had the mutated cancer gene. Day 5 was my transfer day Wed Aug 11. Together with our Dr. we reviewed the PGD report & decided to transfer our #2 & #3 embryos (#1 had the cancer gene). My Dr. seemed extremely enthusiastic about the quality of embryo we transferred.


Transfer day didn't go as smoothly as I had hoped it would. My ovaries were still swollen & pretty large which made me feel like my bladder was fuller than it actually was. I was TERRIFIED of peeing on the table. It didn't help that the u/s lady was forcefully pushing on my stomach with the u/s wand. So my kind Dr. emptied my bladder for me so I could rest comfortably on the table.

SO here I am in the 2WW & it blows! I am an increadibly impatient person so waiting & I don't go well together. I have been naughty & POAS on 5dpt, 7dpt, & 9dpt. I still have three HPTs left & intend on using them all. So far I have gotten BFPs but I know not to get my hopes up. i think more than anything I am using these as something to pass the time. Plus my super sweet DH loves to read the results for me =) So the waiting continues until my beta Tuesday 8/24.

Murphy's Law (A.K.A. Alicia's Law)

So yesterday was day 4 of Follisitim & Menopur. I had an U/S & bloodwork in the morning. My U/S tech said that my follicles weren't quite measurable yet but they were getting close. Yesterday around 4 p.m. one of the nurses from my clinic called & said my Estrodial (E2) level was high 656. She said they wanted to take me off the Follistim & see me back for monitoring the following morning.

I went this morning for day 5 U/S & BW. I had about 6 follicles that were measuring in around 10, 11, & 12. I asked the tech if this was a bad thing? She said that it isn't necesarily a bad thing but that I may be responding quickly to the stims. Hopefully my E2 returns to an acceptable level & I don't hyperstim.

More than that I am terrified of this cycle failing. I keep telling my DH I don't know what I will do if it doesn't work this time. What if my cycle get's cancelled because my body is stupid? I am filled with the "What Ifs" & it's driving me crazy. Please continue to think of me during this cycle!

And it starts again

Well today was day #1 of injections. I am doing 150 units of follistim in the am & 75 of follistim & 75 of menopur in the evening. I am excited to finally be moving along in this process. In the back of my head I keep getting this nagging feeling, "What if it doesn't work this time?" I know that we had to scrape, beg, & borrow so that we could pay for this cycle so another cycle is nowhere in our near future. I would be completely devestated if I come out of this cycle empty handed once again. I am not a religious person but I have found myself just PRAYING that this cycle works so I can stop with the negative thoughts. Next appt with the vuvu cam isn't until Saturday so I have a little break. I will try to be a better blogger during all of this so that I can keep everyone up to date. Please continue to keep me & my DH in your thoughts as infertility is not easy.

DRUGS ;-)

I got a hold of my fertility nurse & discussed the drugs we would be using for this cycle. This time they have put me on the Antagonist protocol, which includes Ganirelex, Menopur, & Follistim. I got quite a few drugs from the clinic but I am trying to be well informed and price out my meds this time. I need the Ganirelex & HCG (the only 2 I didn't get from my Dr.) I have priced out Freedom Fertility pharmacy, Burman's pharmacy, fertilitymeds.com, Walgreen's Specialty pharmacy, & Alexander's Twin pharmacy. So far Alexander's pharmacy has been the cheapest. Does anyone else know of a less expensive pharmacy; or any other pharmacies in general that I can check out? Last time we went with Freedom pharmacy because that is what my RE suggested & I think we ended up paying far too much for our meds. Any & all help or suggestions are appreciated!!!

My luck is changing

So my last post was looking for some help with creative ways to fund my next IVF cycle... Since I got an overwhelming response from all my blogging friends ** ENTER SARCASM HERE** I decided to come up with a plan on my own. I actually came up with many different plans. Plan 1) Sell our house & live with my in-laws for a year, save up money that would go to the mortgage. This would be a great idea EXCEPT I am a horrible house keeper & my MIL keeps a meticulous house, NOT GONNA WORK! Plan 2) Sell our broken boat for what we owe on it so that we reduce one more bill & can exchange it with a baby bill. This idea sounds PERFECT except my sweet husband is absolutely in love with our boat. Our boat is like his "man cave". Boat plan is out of the question. Plan 3) Become an egg donor. I thought this would be a great idea because our fertility issues have nothing to do with poor egg quality & I hear you can make a couple thousand dollars doing this!! Plus I would be helping a lot of people who are in a similar boat as me. Talked to my Babe about this plan & he was very uncomfortable with this idea. He can't quite get over the thought that I would have a biological baby living somewhere in this world. So for now this plan is a no-go but we may re-visit it in the future (I would love to give back!)

So with all of my plans shot down we are still left with No money & No baby. Being unemployed I have had a lot of time which I generally spend 70% of it online. I am either searching for jobs or perusing facebook. I happened to mention on my facebook page that I was UNEMPLOYED & actively looking for a job to occupy my time. When out of no where I got a job offer!!!! A chat window popped up on my facebook screen. It was my Uncle's-wife's (my aunt by marriage) brother's wife (my aunt's sister-in-law). She is the nurse manager of a small ambulatory surgery center & offered me a per diem nursing job! WOOOOOHOOOOO!! I started last week & I absolutely LOVE IT!!

"Per diem" means that I don't owe them any set number of hours & they don't owe me set hours. BUT if they need someone I am available to fill the holes. I should be getting around 20 hours per week, which isn't a lot but on a nurses salary it's enough to start IVF again!! YAYYYYYYYY!!!!! We called the loan company & were approved for a personal loan & now that I am working we will have enough to cover the payments! This job is not only perfect in the monetary aspect, but since it's only per diem I will have the time & flexibility in my schedule to do all of the monitoring. PERFECT. So I have to call my clinic's nurse today but the NEW plan is to start again in August. Hooray for luck!

Paying for IVF

So I have recently passed Nursing school & state boards, but am also recently unemployed (YUCK!!) I really want to jump into our next IVF cycle. I am mentally & physically prepared for everything to come. The only thing I don't have is the finances... So I figured I would put up a post to see the creative ways everyone uses to pay for their IVF cycles. I really thought that since I don't have a job right now I would have plenty of time to do an IVF cycle without worrying about getting time off. We need $6,000 up front for this cycle. We are unable to get a loan for this try because we got a loan last cycle & can't get another. We considered refinancing our house, but that would put us in this house for longer than we want. I have applied to EVERY nursing job I have found & gotten absolutely no responses. I have considered taking on a part-time job just to bring in a little cash until I get a real job.

SO please comment & let me know some creative ways you have come up with the money for IVF...

Pinning, Graduation, Life =)

I just realized it has been quite some time since my last post. As everyone in the universe knows, I graduated nursing school. Before you graduate from the college the nursing class does a pinning ceremony. It is a ceremonial "welcome to the world of nursing." At the ceremony we get pinned by our nursing instructors, light candles, and recite a professional nursing pledge.
Here I am getting pinned by my instructor

Me reciting the professional nursing pledge

Pinning was on Friday night. Saturday afternoon I had a small graduation party at my in-laws. Sunday afternoon I graduated college. Graduation was long and drawn out but I was so glad to go through the process.
Me after graduation

Me & my beautiful little sister

The next big step is my boards. Nurses take what is called the NCLEX, a state licensing exam. I am scheduled for Friday, so I will be studying ALL WEEK LONG! I have also been applying for jobs left & right. I lost my job working as a CNA at my local hospital because I am getting my RN license ugh. Hopefully I can find something soon so that I can start my IVF process again.

99 things about ME!

I thought this was a cute post so I copied it! Only problem is it's missing #49 so I added my own =) Please feel free to use this, & enjoy!

1.Started your own blog - Yup & next month is my 6 month bloggiversary!
2.Slept under the stars - I went to summer camp every year as a child but haven't slept under the stars since then.
3.Played in a band - I played the Clarinet in band in 6th grade
4.Visited Hawaii
5.Watched a meteor shower
6.Given more than you can afford to charity - I give to charities ALL the time! Normally 20-40 dollars, never more than I can afford
7.Been to Disney World - Went with my grandparents & big brother when I was about 6 years old. I was too small for most of the cool rides so I would like to go again!
8.Climbed a mountain
9.Held a praying mantis
10.Sang a solo
11.Bungee jumped
12.Visited Paris
13.Watched a lightning storm - Not since I was little with my mom. I am terribly afraid of storms but my mom always had a way of making them seem cool and soothing.
14.Taught yourself an art from scratch-SCRAPBOOKING =)
15.Adopted a child
16.Had food poisoning
17.Walked to the top of the Statue of Liberty -I visited the statue of liberty when it was closed, so I couldn't climb it.
18.Grown your own vegetables
19.Seen the Mona Lisa in France
20.Slept on an overnight train
21.Had a pillow fight - At a slumber party when I was a kid
22.Hitch-hiked
23.Taken a sick day when you’re not ill - Did this for the first time EVER this year...My little sissy was having her big 8th grade dance & *coughcough* I came down with something
24.Built a snow fort - My brother & I would build huge snow forts & dig tunnels when we were young with all the neighborhood kids.
25.Held a lamb
26.Gone skinny dipping - I was in high school & did this with a girlfriend, her neighbor walked outside & we freaked out...Never done it again
27.Run a Marathon
28.Ridden in a gondola in Venice
29.Seen a total eclipse
30.Watched a sunrise or sunset - Plenty of times
31.Hit a home run
32.Been on a cruise
33.Seen Niagara Falls in person - One time when I went to buffalo on a mission trip with my youth group
34.Visited the birthplace of your ancestors
35.Seen an Amish community - Visited Pa Dutch country many times as a child with my grandparents
36.Taught yourself a new language
37.Had enough money to be truly satisfied
38.Seen the Leaning Tower of Pisa in person
39.Gone rock climbing
40.Seen Michelangelo’s David
41.Sung karaoke
42.Seen Old Faithful geyser erupt
43.Bought a stranger a meal at a restaurant
44.Visited Africa
46.Been transported in an ambulance - Well...I am an EMT does this count?
47.Had your portrait painted
48.Gone deep sea fishing
49.Put out a fire - I am a volunteer firefighter, something many people don't know about little old me!
50.Been to the top of the Eiffel Tower in Paris
51.Gone scuba diving or snorkeling
52.Kissed in the rain
53.Played in the mud - Did this all the time as a little kid
54.Gone to a drive-in theater
55.Been in a movie
56.Visited the Great Wall of China
57.Started a business - I started a home sale business (Lia Sophia-jewelry) I discovered I'm not a very good salesperson
58.Taken a martial arts class
59.Visited Russia
60.Served at a soup kitchen
61.Sold Girl Scout Cookies - Once again did this as a kid
62.Gone whale watching
63.Got flowers for no reason
64.Donated blood, platelets or plasma
65.Gone sky diving
66.Visited a Nazi Concentration Camp
67.Bounced a check
68.Flown in a helicopter
69.Saved a favorite childhood toy - Not a toy but my childhood "blankie." Which I still sleep with every night
70.Visited the Lincoln Memorial
71.Eaten Caviar
72.Pieced a quilt - I love quilting, I have 2 or 3 unfinished projects right now
73.Stood in Times Square - Really cool place during the holidays
74.Toured the Everglades
75.Been fired from a job
76.Seen the Changing of the Guards in London
77.Broken a bone
78.Been a passenger on a motorcycle - When I was a kid
79.Seen the Grand Canyon in person
80.Published a book
81.Visited the Vatican
82.Bought a brand new car - I bought a 2009 Hyundai Tuscon last year, it was a dealer's demo so it was sold as used but only had 3,00 miles
83.Walked in Jerusalem
84.Had your picture in the newspaper - I took dance lessons & made the paper a ton of times for that. i also was on the board of education when I was in high school & made the paper for that too.
85.Kissed a stranger at midnight on New Year’s Eve
86.Visited the White House - Did this almost every year in elementary school
87.Killed and prepared an animal for eating
88.Had chickenpox - As a little kid
89.Saved someone’s life - I am an EMT & now a nurse, I have helped save quite a few people
90.Sat on a jury
91.Met someone famous
92.Joined a book club
93.Got a tattoo - I have 2, a butterfly on my hip I got at 18 and "LOVE" on my foot I got in May before I got married as a wedding gift
94.Had a baby
95.Seen the Alamo in person
96.Swam in the Great Salt Lake
97.Been involved in a law suit
98.Owned a cell phone -TONS!!
99.Been stung by a bee- More times than I can remember, Thank god I'm not allergic

I hope you learned a few things about me!

On to the next big thing

One week from today I will graduate from Nursing School. After that it's on to the next BIG thing =) And by next big thing I mean BABY!! I am starting to get anxious & excited all over again! After my last egg retrieval I was so sad and beat down I pushed everything baby into the background. DH and I talked about when would be an appropriate time to restart our journey. We decided that after I graduate college would be better for us since we would all be much less stressed out and hopefully our finances would be in order. At the time graduation felt like such a far away time, like when you were a little kid saying, "one day when I grow up..." But it's here (well almost here). I think we will start the preocess again in July to give us a little time to recooperate and time for me to find a job =(. So for now I am getting exited to start thing moving again. Hopefully this will be my last child-free Mother's Day!!!

I am a GRADUATE NURSE!

I would like to annouce to all my blog friends that I am officially a GRADUATE NURSE!!! I am so excited! I was really nervous after a brutal final exam but it's done ALL OVER!! I will graduate next weekend. WOOOOHOOOO!!!

Looking for a little advice

DH & I will be doing a new round of IVF sometime in June. During our last cycle I was trying to tell the fewest amount of people as possible, but I'm not very good at keeping secrets... I told a few close friends & family members everything. When our IVF didn't work out I found myself explaining it to a lot of people & caused myself a lot of heartache. I am trying to save myself some of this problem for our upcoming cycle but I have such a hard time keeping my mouth shut. I need some serious advice on how to keep the secret & who do you tell what?

I am a very open person but a lot of the times it comes back to kick me in the a$$!! Also, WHEN we do become pregnant I want it to be special, surprising, & sweet. i don't want people to say, "Yeah we knew that was coming."

PLEASE, PLEASE, PLEASE give me any advice you have on how I can shield my heart from the hurt.

RE appointment...

I had a "NO PERIOD" appointment today at my RE's office. They drew some blood (FAV blood lady) & then popped in a surprise ultrasound(FAV u/s tech). I wish I would have known this because I would have shaved lol. I guess Mr. Wandy doesn't care one way or the other =) So they said I have 20 follicles on my left & 18 follicles on my right. They said my lining was thick-ish. The nurse thinks I either had an anovulatory cycle with no bleeding or I just haven't fallen into a regular cycle since my ER. I got a prescription for Provera & will know later this afternoon if I am supposed to start taking it or not. My nurse said she would like to put me back on BCPs until we are ready to start my next IVF cycle so that I remain regular. I never had any period problems prior to IF...ugh gotta love it.

In happier news, I got an 80 on my test Wednesday B-) I only have 2 more classes, 2 more finals, & 23 days until I graduate!!! Then NCLEX-RN here I come (state boards for nursing) WOOOOOHOOOO!!!

I got myself an interview

Well ladies & gentleman I got my first real legit interview as an RN. No I didn't graduate yet, but I am trying to think ahead. I work for a hospital right now on a cardiac step down unit. Our unit recently got approved to hire some more RNs & CNAs so guess what...I got an interview. This would not be my dream job & deffinitely not my long-term goal but it's a nice start. I would be able to start my career and gain some experience. I will be working toward my goal; MATERNITY NURSE. You guessed it ladies & gentleman I want to be a maternity nurse =) My interview is set up for next Friday morning so keep your fingers crossed for me please!

Random acts of kindness & PG announcement

I have been a really bad blogger lately...SORRY! This is gonna be a 2 for 1 kinda post to make it up to you guys =).

I was working Friday night, me & some of the other girls I work with were sitting around chatting. We were all talking about our plans for Easter. My in-laws don't celebrate Easter (Jewish), My mom's family was doing dinner over an hour away from my house, & I wasn't invited to my grandparent's house because my dad was goin (damn daddy issues). I told the girls I normally make up an Easter basket for my god-daughter but this year I am just really broke because of school (&IVF but i didn't tell them that). Well when I came in to work Saturday night Tara, a respiratory therapist stopped me & said, "I have something in the lounge for you." I thought she was confused, I said, "FOR ME? really?" She proceeded to tell me that she went to WalMart to pick up some last minute Easter stuff for her kiddies and she picked up a basket for me to give to my god-daughter! I was so thankfull & immediately hugged her! What a great, super duper nice thing for one person to do for another person. Random acts of kindness like that restore my faith in the world!!!

Part 2 of my post...I have become really close friends with one of the girls in my nursing class-Sarah. She got married last year in August & lives about an hour away from me. She decided about 2 months ago that she was going to start trying to get pregnant. I was super supportive and excited for her. So guess WHAT?!? She's pregnant. Son of a bitch... She got pregnant on the first freaking try! UGH what a kick in the ovaries. I am very excited and love her dearly but why did she have to get pregnant first?? I am trying to be the nice friend & I congratulated her & listened to her talk about it. Hopefully I am not to far behind her and our babies can be best friends lol (Super cheesie, yes I know)

Did I just get a job offer?!?

At my appt. Tuesday DH & I were talking to the Dr. about my upcoming graduation... Dr. said, "Remind me again what degree you will be graduating with?"
I proudly proclaim NURSING.

Dr., "Well what area of nursing would you like to get into?"
Me, "I'm not really sure yet. Possibly maternity."
Dr., "Well you know fertility nursing is a great area to get into. We are always looking for great people *WINK*. Plus you would come with a wealth of knowledge & experience."

I look over at my DH & continue to tell my Dr. that I had actually considered fertility nursing. I mean me ~INFERTILE~ working with other infertiles & helping them have their dream babies. Plus it is something I am totally interested in. I would love to be keep up to date with all the infertility changes after I am finished with my first IVF cycle. Also, there has to be some kind of IVF benefit working for your clinic... I am totally stoked, I have looked more & more into this & it is a front runner in the options pool.

What do you think guys? An infertile working at the fertility clinic. It almost feels like a would be a mole or a spy, gathering info from teh other side & bringing it to the infertile side?

My WTF appointment...

I have been a very bad blogger lately & have completely avoided the topic of IF... Well ladies & gentleman here it is, the long awaited WTF appointment. My DH & I geared up for our 8 am appt. As we were driving in I began to feel extremely grumpy, which later turned into DREAD. I did not want to go to that appt. I was so afraid I would get really emotional & my emotions wouldn;t be relevant or acknowledged. SO we get to the office & what do I hear? A screaming child... My RE's office has a no kid policy so this was not something I expected to hear & quite frankly I was pissed at the sound of it. This lady was there with 2 little kids. We waited for 30 minutes before we got back to see our Dr.

As the receptionist led us back to the Dr.s office I was starting with the nerves & almost felt like I could throw up at any minute. We get into the office with my Dr. & he apologized for the wait & said, "Your time is very important to me *WINK*' && I fell in love with our Dr. all over again.

To sum up our appt. the Dr. said he feels he was too conservative in my med dosing. Also, I was overly sensitive to the Lupron. He said he will change up most of my drugs for the next cycle to an antagonist protocol. I will be taking follistim (using the pen YIKES), menopur, & ganirelex. Then we tried to figure out a timeline of events. We talked to the Dr. because we are concerned with starting a cycle in April because I will be graduating from Nursing school & I don't want ANYTHING to interrupt that!!! The Dr. was excited about my graduation & agreed that we should wait until May or June when I will be less stressed out because of school.

Next he asked us about our finances!! Can you believe it, a dr concerned about us being able to afford it?!?! We will be reimbursed from services not rendered during our last cycle. We also receive 20% off our fertility services through our clinic's shared help program, The dr. said he wants to take our drug cost off the table, COMPLETELY off the table!!! He wants to hoard drugs just for me so that I don;t have to pay for fertility drugs YAY I was SOOOOO excited to hear that. I also think i got a job offer but i will write a separate post about that.

So here's my goody bag of drugs they could scrounge from the office =)


So here's to a great appointment & hopefully a great next IVF cycle!

Makes me think...

As I am sitting here on the couch writing this post, I am balling like a baby. I have recently found a new favorite show, The Locator. On this show the host Troy Dunn receives videos & letters from people asking him to find lost family members. I have seen episodes where mothers look for daughters, daughters look for fathers, etc. I apologize for regressing but I have to give you a little history for the whole thing to make sense...

Growing up my family lived in a really small town. I grew up with my mom & dad, an older brother, & a little sister. When I was about 16 years old my parents began having marriage issues. My brother was a difficult child and I think it strained the relationship a lot. My parents went to counseling & worked through a lot of their issues & were doing great. They bought a motorcycle together as a way for them to bond & spend fun quality time together. When I was 18 I graduated high school & moved out of my parents house & in with Clay.


About 1 year later when I was 19 I received a concerning phone call from my mother. She told me that my father had taken a motorcycle ride on Friday night after work & hasn't returned home (This was Sunday). I immediately went home to be with my mother & little sister. EVERYONE was at my mother's house & we were calling all over trying to find him. I was completely distraught because I had been a total daddy's girl. Clay & I called every hospital, jail, friend, family member we could think of. Monday afternoon he finally called my mother & said he needed to talk. When he came over Monday night he told my mother he had been seeing someone for 6 months behind my mother's back. I was crushed!!! My world was rocked.

In the months following my mom had a really hard time with my dad. He would say he was coming to pick up my sister & then never show, give her money one day & take it away the next, call my mom some awful names... Needless to say he & I haven't talked much since then. I got married & didn't invite my father. He no longer has any relationship with my little sister (13 years old).

In watching this show it makes me think about my dad who I haven't seen or spoke to in about 4 years. I love to think about all the really great times I had being daddy's little girl. I loved it when he would run errands & ask me to ride along with him & every year we would go to the beach & he would carry me on his back into the really deep water. And then I think about that awful day when he broke my heart.

It really makes me wonder if I will ever long to have a relationship with my father again. As of right now I am still very hurt & MAD at him for what he has done. It really makes me think about what the future may hold...

Springy Day!!

Today was the beginning of MANY spring-like days!

So me & my little dog decided to take full advantage. We took a long walk down to the water & then back home.

We hadn't been walking since last year so Fifi was a little rusty. I had to remind her to slow down & enjoy the scenerey. Once she calmed down a little she remembered how much she loved all the smells & stopped to sniff EVERYTHING!!!

I am really hoping this nice weather will be enough to help me out of my IF funk. That & we are gonna start IVF#2 next month. I will leave you with some more cool pics I snapped on this beautiful day.

Broken Dock

MEEEE!!!

Drawbridge

Weekend FUN

This was one of the first weekends in FOREVER (well not forever but like a month or two) that I have had off work!!! I worked Friday night 7p-1a and slept until 12p Saturday morning. Me & the hubby went to one of our favorite little mom & pop places for brunch. Had some amazing french toast yummm. At 4 I pickep up my lil sissy & her friend Meghan for some dress shopping. She has her big 8th grade dance this year & all the girls wear cocktail type dresses. We went to the mall & were there ALL night long. Tori got the cutest little purple dress with a black ribbon & little roslettes on it (pics will come later). Then we had to buy accessories, Necklaces, bracelettes, earrings, & a cute little hair piece!! Meghan got an awesome blue silky dress. We shopped till we dropped & headed home around 9:30pm.

Today the hubby had a meeting at the firehouse (He's the VP) early this morning so I got to sleep in until 9 am!!! When the hubster came home he was feeling sick. Poor guy has had the stomach bug all day. I ran out for pepto, Immodium AD, powerade, & sodas for me =).

Tomorrow it's back to school for me & hopefully work for Clay. I get to learn all about code blue (cardiac arrest) & how to place an IV. I am freakishly excited!!

NOTHING NEW

So I have nothing new to report... Clay & I visit the Dr. March 16th to review our last cycle. I have been keeping myself increadibly busy with school & work. Next week starts my spring break & I am REALLY looking forward to the break. So that's it for now, until I get the motivation to report more this is all

19 kids??? Can I have 1 maybe 2?

I am watching 19 kids and counting...Why you ask? I HAVE NO FREAKIN CLUE!! Probably one of the absolute worst shows for an infertile to watch! It is a little depressing that one person can have 19 children. I am struggling to have 1 maybe 2. The Duggars say they will have as many children as the lord will allow. With that being the case, the lord doesn't allow all to be mommies and to be honest I am absolutely depressed by it. I am not necessarily religious, but I do believe in God. I can't imagine why God wouldn't want my husband and I to have children?!? We are good honest people who believe in the Lord. We don't pray all the time or go to church, but we believe in God.

It is just so hard to believe one person can be completely blessed while so many others are not...

RANDOM

So I lost my tweezers... This upsets me because I am Italian & tweeze everything! I have a few little hairs that are really bugging me. I went to Walmart & forgot to buy my tweezers GRRRRRR!!!

As you all know, I am going to college to become a nurse & have no clue where I want to work. Today I got to visit Christiana Hospital's emergency department. LOVED IT <3!!! I had previously thought I may want to work on maternity because I loved my clinical experience. Now I am thinking about emergency room nursing. SOOOOOO I pretty much have no clue haha.

My hubby is amazing! After our IVF cycle went down the tubes my hubby took my pharmacy of meds from the counter & stashed them away, so that I wouldn't be reminded every minute of the day. The only problem was all the refrigerated meds I have. So I went to put away some graceries today & noticied my other pharmacy was missing... My loving husband stashed those in a brown paper bag in the bag bottom of the refrigerator. What a wonderful man?!?! I love my husband!

My very first ICLW =)

Welcome all ICLWers! This is my very first & I am praying it goes well. The goal is to leave at least 5 comments and return one comment daily, until the February 28th.


So here's a little about me; I am 22 and married to the love of my life! My hubby had cancer (Retinoblastoma) in both eyes as a baby. It was a very hard thing for his parents, as he had several surgeries & chemo. When we decided we wanted to start a family we visited a few genetic counselers who told us it was a 50% chance our children could have retinoblastoma. We decided to start IVF with PGD (Preimplantation Genetic Diagnosis). We recently had our first IVF cycle.

I hope that you read my blog & enjoy!

Busy-ness

I have been keeping myself extra busy with school, work, & family, in an effort to forget my disappointment. Well I guess it's time to suck it up & put on my big girl panties...

Tomorrow morning I am going to call the dr. & set up my appointment to re-cap my failed cycle. I am absolutely dreading this appointment because I still get emotional just thinking about it. Everyone keeps saying April will probably be better & less stressful to start my new cycle. I don't necessarily agree. My due date would have been the end of October...I wouldn't have to worry about delivering in a snow storm, doing my cycle during graduation...

I am still pretty bitter (in case you couldn't tell) Uhhh...praying for strength tomorrow.

Insensitive

This morning my friend called & said she was in excrutiating pain & couldn't move & couldn't hold her baby. I went over & took her 3 year old to daycare. Then I came back, changed, fed, & rocked her baby to sleep. BTW. She has a kink in her neck...

She is the one friend who knows EVERYTHING about what has been going on. I was in the car with her when my Dr. called to cancel my cycle. I like being a good friend, but I also think it's a little insensitive for her to push her baby on me.

Maybe this is me being overly sensitive but I have told her that it is really hard for me to deal with babies & pregnancy right now. I wish my friend would be a little more sensitive to my situation.

Freak Out

So yesterday & I had a bit of a breakdown. Emotions are so hard to deal with when you have nothing else to do. What I mean is I have been stuck in my house on account of another huge snowstorm. Of course I could study, or read, or craft...but no I choose to deal with my feelings. I had about an hour long cryfest on the couch last nights because i just couldn't hold it in any longer. I am still pretty disappointed that out of everything I got 2 good embryo & 1 ok embryo.

Me & the hubby had a great talk & we are really working through this together. I see it more of a loss (time, money, emotions) where as he feels, "it's not the end of the world" we have plenty of time to do it again. It has been really hard but we are trying.

Dr. called this morning to tell me they froze all 3 embryo even though 1 is not so promising & he can't wait to see us again to discuss everything. *Sigh* Please pray for us!

Short term pain...LONG term gain!

Some quotes to help get over my disappointment;


“We must accept finite disappointment, but never lose infinite hope.” Martin Luther King Jr.

“The size of your success is measured by the strength of your desire; the size of your dream; and how you handle disappointment along the way." Robert Kiyosaki

“Ones best success comes after their greatest disappointments.” Henry Ward Beecher

"You may be disappointed if you fail, but you are doomed if you don't try." Beverly Sills

"Anytime you suffer a setback or disappointment, put your head down and plow ahead." Les Brown


Trees in my back yard

My path to the house, made by me trudging though knee high snow

More updates & the bad news continues

Re called me this mornign while I was in the walmart parking lot gearing up for tonights snow storm. He told me that Embie #1 is growing appropriately & is at the 8 cell stage, Embie #2 is at the 7 cell stage (a little behind), Embie #3 is stuck at 4 cells & not growing.

The Dr. said he doesn't feel comfortable continuing on at this point because our embies still need to be tested for RB. With only 1 growing at an appropriate rate he doesn't think it's finincially sound to do the genetic testing.

His plan; stop all my current meds, freeze the 2 embies that are still growing, start again in April.

Me, I am a big fucking wreck! We had to beg & borrow just to pay for this cycle ($11,000) Meds ($2,700) & genetic testing ($6,000). I don't know if we will be bale to pay for another cycle in April. I don;t want to be so far in the hole that we can;t afford to spoil our little one rotten. Emotionally, I feel so let down & disappointed. Throughout this cycle everyone I encountered has been extremely optimistic about my cycle resulting in a healthy pregnancy. I am at my lowest bottom. Please send prayers & thoughts mine & hubbys way.

And then there were 3...

Just got a call from the RE. We are still sitting pretty with 3 little embies growing appropriately. They will take a trip to Chicago Wed. for genetic testing & hopefully all 3 are healthy non RB embies!! I am trying to get my positive back but I am still extremely worried about how they will do & if any will be ready for tranfer. Please keep fingers crossed & send prayers out to me & my hubby & embies =)

Circling the drain...

We are finally home. I got a call from the RE's office saying that only 5 of my 8 eggs were mature. Out of the 5 only 3 are at the 2 cell stage. My positivity is cirling the drain. I had 31 follicles when I visited the RE last, so I think I was expecting at least half to be mature... We still have 1 more step prior to transfer, PGD. We need to test the embies for RB. I am becoming anxious, nervous, & upset all over again. I am hoping all 3 eggs continue to grow & are all RB free... Please pray for me, because I am having a really difficult time with where we are right now.

Retrieval Day =)

The day has come... retrieving my future babies. Last night I was very nervous and had a terribly upset stomach. I was on the toilet, off the toilet, hanging out in the bathroom just in case I needed the toilet. I finally woke up my hubby & began to relax. I finally fell asleep around 11 or 12. We woke up this morning around 5 am and got ready to leave our hotel. We decided to drive over to the fertility center because it's about 3 blocks away & I wanted to ride home in case I was feeling yucky post retrieval. After we left the hotel parking lot we got stuck for about 10 minutes (I was completely stressed & thought this was an omen). We got to the office right around 6 am. Me & 3 other couples were taken back into the "pre-retrieval/recovery" area. The nurses got me all set up for the anesthesiologist & the wait was on. Around 7:30 the anesthesiologist came in & started my IV (he used an awesome numbing med so I didn't even feel it YES!) The dr. came in to explain the procedure & have me & hubs sign some forms. Then anesthesiologist came back & it was on...I walked to the OR, sat down on the bed, I saw anesthesiologist put some kind of drug in my IV. I remember a nurse asking my social & telling me I got it right, after that... Next thing I remember waking up in recovery & the nurse telling me in 5 minutes she would be back to take me on a walk & then I could be discharged. I was discharged after my little walk & came back to my hotel room & slept for a couple of hours.


I am still in the hotel because the roads are nasty. One more night to relax here with my babe =) I am feeling GREAT! A little sleepy & very little cramping. Retrieval was cake. We got 8 eggs & tomorrow will find out how many fertilized.

New Developments

Well....I didn't make my u/s & bw appointment for this morning because...I triggered last night =) My nurse called yesterday afternoon to tell me I have several mature follicles & my estrogen level dropped so we needed to trigger & then set up the retrieval for Saturday morning. I kind of freaked & had a small panic attack. I didn't eve have a chance to read over teh paperwork about triggering & retieval yet because of my clinicals & class yesterday. So I took an extra large dose of Menopur & Gonal-F. Then the trigger shot, I had my loving hubby do my trigger shot last night. I am a bit of a needle phobe so I was freaking out about him doing this. BUT he did a FABOLOUS job. By the time he was finished I was saying, "Is it in babe? Did you do it?" He showed me the empty syringe with a big smile & said, "Yup!" It was fine I didn't feel it at all. About 10 minutes later I deffinitely felt it in the backside. We are now sitting in a lovely hotel because mother nature is a bitch. We are expecting anywhere from 12-24 inches of snow starting this afternoon so we decided to make the trip today & spend the night so we don't have to worry with traveling. So tomorrow morning have to sign in at 6am at the office & we are scheduled for retrieval at 8 am. Wish me luck!!!

15, 16, & 17s

Yet another appointment filled with bloodwork & an ultrasound. I had my NOT-FAVORITE lab girl=more bruises. I did get my favorite u/s girl. She said my endometrial lining looks good and thick, & lefty has 16 follies, righty has 15 follies, My follicles are 14, 15, & 16s. I really don't know what this means but she said at last appointment they were 12, 13, & 14s. I did read on google that around 17-23 is trigger time =) Also, my ovaries are now touching. I have so many huge follies that my ovaries are now touching. One of my follicles on lefty is the size that my ovary should be.
I have been extremely positive throughout the whole experience but if I may bitch for a moment... I am starting to have urinary urgency. All of the sudden I have to go & go BAD, then when I hit the toilet I tinkle just a little bit. I have also been having slight pain in the ovary area. Lastly, I am having nausea & fullness. This am I was STARVING so I stopped at Dunkin Donuts for a coffee & a donut. I could barely eat half of my donut & don't even think about the coffee. My u/s girl said to drink gatorade instead of water because it decreases that full feeling, but you still get all of your electrolytes. Thanks for the bitch session all!

Appointments

Another appointment this morning for bloodwork & an ultrasound. My follicles still look nice, growing appropriately. They actually looked HUGE on the monitor screen. I have to go back for an appointment Wed. & then every day after that until Sunday. You know when you go somewhere so frequently you start to make favorites & enemies...I have a favorite u/s girl. She is nice but not overly talkative (something weird about having a full discussion with a probe in you vag) She also is pretty gentle & honest! Now my nemesis..bw girl. There is one girl who draws my blood & ALWAYS leaves me with a horrendouse bruise that is sore for days. Example, the lovely bruise on my left elbow crack from bw done on Sat. I have a favorite bw girl who leaves me with only a small red dot after bw. I think that is a sign you got to the office too much.
Hopefully my retrieval is this Sunday! Busy life until then, Clinicals tonight (yes I have to shoot up outside the mental hospital again tonight ;-)) Studying & catch up on reading tommorrow plus seeing my baby goddaughter, Class & clinicals Thursday, work Fri. & Sat. night. Makes me tired just thinking about it =)

Stimulation ;-)

I am moving right along with my STIMS! I had an u/s & bloodwork Saturday morning. The tech said my follicles are growing & they look "lovely." My estrogen level is rising appropriately. I have been continuing on with my am Lupron & pm stims. I have another appointment tomorrow morning to see how I am progressing. This may sound stupid but I SWEAR I can feel my ovaries growing. It sort of feels like a gas bubble low in my belly that just won't go away. I told the u/s tech & she said that what I am feeling probably is my ovaries because they are currently double the size they normally would be. How crazy to feel things growing inside your body! I can't wait until I am feeling a little person growing inside my belly =) As the days pass my excitement grows & grows. I just can't wait!!!

Shootin up

I had a very new experience this afternoon. As I said in my previous blog I am timing my new injections for 6 PM because they have to be night injections & that will work well with my work schedule (nights 7pm-7am). The only downfall is my clincial nights from 1-7 or 3-9. So tonight I had the very new experience of shootin up in a car. I was outside of my clinical facility (a mental hospital) & we got out early WOOHOO!! So I had to do my injeciton in the car, which was a little more difficult than I thought, but not impossible! It took me longer than when I have a counter to do prep & mixing but the physical injection was a little easier. I think because I was sitting & the fat roll popped quite nicely. I am anticipating my Saturday appointment to see what's going on inside me. I haven't felt a difference yet except for about 2 hours of nausea this evening that subsided on it's own. I am hoping for minimal symptons but I know that is more (*wishful thinking*) I am still super excited & very ready for BABY! I try to remain goal oriented & focused that the end product is worth it ALL!!

Short term pain...LONG term gain

So now that I have had time for things to sink in I am REALLY excited! I havebeen plannign my injections... I will do them around 6PM every night so that i don't have to worry with doing them at work. The only down fall is my clinicals which go from 1-8 & 3-9. I e-mailed the instructor to let her know I have an injection that I will need to take a short break for. Hope that works our for me. At least it's cold enought that I can leave my meds out in the car.
I go back to the dr. Saturday to check my follicles. The nurse today told me I am taking a higher than usual dose of stims so maybe I will be able to retrieve & transfer earlier than expected (*WISHFUL THINKING*) I am just SUPER ready to get this show started & make room for BABY!!!!

Lupron Day #10

Day # 10 of shooting up (I like saying that it makes it feel bad) So today was my Lupron evaluation which means blood work & a wonderful ultrasound! The u/s tech said my ovaries were "quiet" & doing what they are supposed to, NOTHING. So tonight I get to start 2 new meds MY STIMS woo hoo. I start Gonal F & Menopur tongight & still Lupron in the am but a lower dose. I now have some lovely bruising on my belly. This is a short one but not much to say just excited!

Lupron Day #9

Lupron went well again today! AF showed up late last night. I got an appointment with my RE first thing tommorrow morning, we will see where I go from there. Hopefully I can start my stims & get this party started =) I am mentally & physically READY for all to come!!!! Hopefully all looks well tomorrow & we can get it moving.

Lupron Day#8

I was hoping to wake up this morning to AF's arrival but it appears she is still in hiding. Any other time I would love that she was eluding me but now is time for her to COME OUT!!! Lupron shot went great this morning! I am trying to rotate which side of my belly I use but I keep forgetting which side I used the day before. Maybe I should write it down or something.

Me & the hubs got into a fight last night during our usual pillow talk. It was a really stupid little argument but my feelings are still a little bruised. I brought up Valentines Day because I am normally working or Clay is working or we just don't have time to do anything...So I suggested that this year we should "do something special" Clay interpreted this as spending lots of $$$$. I would be completely satisfied if he drove me down to the water witha picnic dinner & enjoyed each others company. But nope, he just got really mad & said I want way too much. Our transfer date is supposed to be Feb. 12th & he thinks a baby should be enough to satisfy me.

Am I being stupid? Was it just a small silly fight, or should I be a little hurt?

Lupron Day #7

Week 1 of Lupron down. Now the wait begins...AF was supposed to rear her ugly little head today but is still hibernating. Week 1 of shots to the abdomen has been quite well. No major issues, no bruises (I bruise very easily+Baby Aspirin=BRUISES).

In other news; tomorrow is my first day of my psych rotation for clinicals. I was very nervous because we aren't allowed to wear our traditional white scrubs. The nursing faculty told us to dress in business casual but women pay close attention to your dress. Be aware of your neckline & be sure not to show any cleavage. They even suggesting bending over in front of a mirror to, "see what happens." I have never ever put that much effort into dressing in my life. I was telling the hubs how nervous I was about the dress code & he insisted I go shopping. He didn't have to tell me twice! I got a ton of new shirts (that do nothing fun when I bend over) I now feel very prepared to talk to some veterans with interesting psychiatric disorders. I hope to learn a lot!!

Also, tomorrow my sissy is coming to visit me. She is 13 & very fun. She is also very easy to entertain, so I am sure we'll have a great time tomorrow!!!

My beautiful lil sissy =)

Channeling my inner frugal

I just returned from my most successful Kohl's trip ever! I figured I would share my deals as my friend The Subfertile Frugalista did in her most recent post:http://subfertilefrugalista.blogspot.com/2010/01/lets-talk-fashion-shall-we.html

So my total was $77.34. Receipt to prove it
I saved $154.66. Again reciept to prove it

My best deals were an awesome peacocky looking t-shirt for $3, & a pair of khaki style black pants for $8!!!! I almost couldn't believe it when it came up on the screen.















































And my last super duper deal was these awesome blouses for ONLY $6.99 each!!!

No more BCPS!!!

I am on Lupron day #4 & last night was the last for my BCPs (birth control pills) I am so excited to be one step closer to a baby. Technically being of the BC means nothing but emotionally it means BABY!!! I should expect AF around the 24th & see the Dr. for bw & an U/S. Every small step seems like a big leap closer to BABY!!

Clay & I were laying in bed last night having some pillow talk (= We were discussing our future baby names hehe. He actually came up with some for the first time! He was completely involved in teh conversation which was unusual. He doesn't liek to talk about our future children because it makes him excited & he's afraid of a let down. We picked out some really cute names that we both like!! I can't wait for BABY

Thanks for your support

So today in class (nursing school=yuck) we are told to write "thank you for your support" letters that will be printed in the program for our pinning ceremony. I figured what better place to preview my letter than this blog...Let me know what you think

I would like to thank EVERYONE who has been there to support me during nursing school. I would like to start with my wonderful husband, Clay. He has been my motivation and my support. He is the voice in my ear when I think I can't do it. Clay is my shoulder to cry on when I'm stressed and breaking down, he is also my swift kick in the rear when I need to buckle down and focus. He has been there for me through all the ups and downs of this journey and I love him more than anything! Thanks babe. I would also like to thank my mom for raising me to be a strong, independent person. I am so thankful for your guidance and words of encouragement. To my pop-pop, thank you for all of our brunch dates. I'm sure the good food helped me focus much better! To both of my grandmothers, thank you for being strong, smart female role models for me. I strive everyday to be half the woman you ladies are. To my mother & father-in-law, thank you for supporting me and letting me know I can do it, even when I have my doubts. To Dominick, Tori, Karin, Eric, Jason, Stephanie, and Lacy, thank you for listening to me complain and being there to pick me up on my down days. Heather, I want to thank you for being the best study buddy and a reliable carpool. I also want to thank you for being an awesome friend to me! To Michelle & Mike, thanks for all the fun times that I really needed and for being only a phone call away when I'm ready to explode. Lastly, I would like to thank all the nursing faculty for making me the best I can be. Marta, I will always be your cheerleader as long as you will always be my listening ear! Thank you again to EVERYONE who has supported me on this journey to RN.

I actually began to tear up several time when writing this so that means it truley came from my heart <3

Lupron Day #2 Short term pain...Long term gain (=

Yesterday when i took my lupron shot it kind of stung. I think it was just the shock of putting a shot in belly because today was absolutely fine. I am almost out of syringes because I took 6 days worth of Lupron before I was postponed. I am hoping my coach has a few extra I can use to save me a little bit $$$. ''

I am starting to do better with my emotions. I think since Danielle put my IVF life back into prespective I am able to think more clearly. Whenever I get sad or jealous I just think "Short term PAIN for a LONG term gain" I think anyone going through IVF should have a slogan, something to live by. I have my wonderful COACH & awesome hubby & my slogan =)

Lupron day #1

So I have started my cycle again. Today was Lupron day #1 & the first day for my baby aspirins. All went well this morning & it feels great to be back in the saddle. Now that I am back to doing injections I actually feel like I'm doing something. Heading to Zumba class tonight while I'm still feeling great =)

Dealing with Feeling; Short term pain...long term gain

Ok so I have been extremely emotional & moody lately trying to work out all of my feelings. Thursday night I called up my "COACH" for a little moral support. I was able to talk to her about all the resentment & jealousy I have felt lately. She told me something I so desperately needed to hear; "Short term pain for a LONG term gain" I am starting to say this over & over in my head to help remind me of my final goal...To have a precious HEALTHY baby, so that my hubby & I can share a wonderful baby bond that we so desperately want. We also talked about how men feel so much differently than woman. I was starting to feel like my emotions were silly & unnecesary because Clay didn't feel any where near the same as I did. I think that every woman undergoing IVf (for whatever reason) should have a good coach to help you with the highs & MANY MANY lows of treatment...
I just want to thank my WONDERFUL amazing "COACH" Danielle & I am seeking all the emotional support & advice possible. If you happen to read this please leave any and all advice =) Thanks!

So when are YOU having some?

Is this like my week or what? I can name at least 3 people who asked me when I am going to have children... One of my hubby's close friends who noticed I was helping my friend with her baby a lot lately, asked so why don't you just have some (ha if it were that easy) Then i was being nice and commenting on a friends post about being pregnant & yeat again, when are you gonna have some followed by "you would make a great mom" UGH!!! There were many more this week but I just don't care to post them... Why is it anyones business when I will be having children? Secondly, why do I feel the need to respond to all these people? Super frustrating ={

Playing mommy <3

As you know, my bestie just had a baby 2 weeks ago. I have been trying to go over & help her out as much as I can. She recently experienced the death of a close friend from her job & will be attending the viewing tomorrow. SOOOOO guess who's watching baby girl?!? MEEEEE!!! I get to play mommy for the day =) I have been really enjoying gaining the experience of feeding, burping, changing, bathing, dressing, & loving a precious little baby. Every moment I spend with her I realize more & more my urge to be a mommy. One one side it is hard to watch someone else be able to have a baby & be a mommy. One the other side I get to share all her special firsts & can help out as much as I can. Hopefully we have a great day tomorrow playing mommy & baby!

Down day on the rollercoaster

So I have been avoiding blogging because I am attempting not to think about it... Well it looks like I wasted almost a week of Lupron. My IVF was postponed 2 weeks because the genetics lab isn't "ready". GRRRRRRRR. I am just so upset because I was super psyched to get going with the baby making. I was doing my med cycle & getting used to it & getting really excited to think a baby is only weeks around the corner. I know it is only 2 weeks, 14 days but it feels like a freaking lifetime. So I have begun to just not think about it since I'm not taking meds & such. I work like a crazy lady & sleep the rest of the time. So now we will be doing the retrieval & transfer in February... Better late than never I guess

Well Hello 2010!

So the New Year has come & I rang it in at work with some great people. I haven't posted much recently because I have been working every night & then sleeping every day. Needless to say I have been utterly exhausted. I have been taking my Lupron every day & it is going very well!! On day 2 I started with a wicked cold so I picked up a variety of meds to include to my IVF drugs. I am now takin Lupron, baby aspirin (no BCPs woo hoo!!) prenatal vitamins, vitamin C, Tylenol cold severe in the awake time, Sudafed PE in the sleep time. I was drinking so much orange juice to try & combat this cold that I now have a beautiful cold sore on my lip. So now I have included L-Lysine & a topical cream to my ritual. I think I have finally beaten this cold or at least come super close but the cold sore is still lingering. I should start my period around 1/5/09 & then I see the Dr. for bloodwork & an ultrasound. Let the baby-making BEGIN!!!